Kylie has been FILLING her diapers with shit, even though I change her every 1.5 hours or so. sheesh.

A little bit ago, I was cleaning a crapload of poop from her butt cheeks when she started to wiggle and cry. I got all flustered and held her two wiggling legs up while looking for a pacifier with the other hand. I found one, popped it in her mouth, and then realized that there was a tiny bit of yellow seedy (breast milk poop is yellow and seedy looking) stuff on the pacifier. Then I looked at my hand and realized there was poop on my hand. I yanked the pacifier out of her mouth and um... no poop ON the nipple but there was a bit around the nipple.

oh. good. LORD!

Seriously, did I just stick a poopy pacifier into my baby's mouth? yes, yes I did.

Mother of the Year!

Wednesday, June 4th, 10:20pm: the time my water broke
1.5: dilation at admittance
5.5: weeks early Kylie tried to make her escape
4: days spent on bedrest at the hospital
6: lbs I gained due to antibiotics and IV fluids pumped continuously
2: pm Saturday, started pitocin, dilation: 2
7: hours it took for me to get from 2 to 4
1: number of times I yelled at THK for drinking water in front of me. and by yell, I mean cussed out.
1: # of contractions that didn't hurt from the IV pain med they offered me
5: minutes it was from the time I got the IV pain med administered and the time I asked for my epidural
5: minutes it took for the anesthesiologist to arrive
4: number of contractions I got while trying to "STAY STILL!!" for my epidural
1: number of bitchy anesthesiologists that gave me total attitude for being all woozy from the IV pain meds and not being able to follow her directions of scooting back, but not that back, no- more back, NOT THAT BACK! on the table
2: number of hours I napped the minute the epidural took effect
25: number of minutes I spent in active labor once I was fully dilated
5: number of pushes, in sets of 3, before Kylie came out
3: number of NICU doctors on hand
5: weeks early Kylie was at time of birth
2: number of times I asked THK if I had pooped on the table during labor, a minute after the baby was out
2: number of times THK probably lied to me, god bless his soul, about the above
2: degree tears
2: number of stitches I got
6lbs 2oz: lbs Kylie was at birth
5: additional days spent in the hospital after birth
3: days Kylie spent in NICU
2: days Kylie spent in a phototherapy incubator for hyperbilirubinemia
1: awesome pair of sunglasses Kylie got to wear while tanning
5lbs 6oz: lbs Kylie was at discharge
4: hours of sleep I got last night, in 30-45 minute increments.
15: minutes I spent staring at the criss cross of stretch marks that showed up across my stomach this morning
20: minutes I spent crying about said stretch marks

was it worth it?

 hell yeah.

 

i think i got my first baby stretch mark.

:(

it is about 1/4 inch long and it is angry red/purple in color. I thought it was a vein under my skin and asked thk what he thought. He said it was a vein and not to worry. I rubbed shea butter all over it anyway.

I went to work today and asked a coworker what she thought. She has crazy stretch marks from her pregnancy 8 years ago.

"yep, that's a stretch mark alright. It'll start off all red like that and then turn kind of white after your belly deflates. It'll probably get longer before the baby comes out, too."

i wanted to cry. At least it's a baby stretch mark and not a Marie Callendar's double lemon cream pie stretch mark.

*things I wish someone would have told me before I got pregnant

 

• once your belly starts to feel heavy (probably 7-8 months for most, 5ish for me because my baby is a giant), you have to wear a panty liner every minute of every day. You know why? Because that sucker of a baby inside your body will jump up and down on your bladder and make you pee, just a little but enough to make it disgusting!!, every time you cough, stand up, or think about peeing.
• I almost peed my pants today at work. again. GAWDDAMNIT. I need to start carrying an extra set of knickers and pants everywhere i go.
• a coworker of mine told me she had hemmoroids that looked like "cluster of grapes" after giving birth to her baby.

A

cluster

of

grapes

!!!!!!

WTF!! I didn't even know what to say!

 

• another said she pooped on the table multiple times and her husband saw it and said, HEY! You POOPED!! and when she thinks back on her delivery, she always thinks about how he saw her poop on a table. I told thk this story so that he would know to keep his mouth shut even if he sees my entire rectum pop out onto the table during labor and instead of saying the right thing, he said, "honey, I wouldn't say poop. I'd say you did a number 2!" nice, honey.
• did you know that they give you packets of ice in your underwear after the delivery? I had no idea.
• did you know that they swipe iodine on your cooter afterwards? I had no idea.
• did you know that you have to poop before they will let you go home? I had no idea.
• did you know that I watched "I didn't know I was pregnant!" on TLC last night and scared the shit out of myself? Because I totally pictured myself giving birth at a McDonald's bathroom where my baby would fall into the toilet and hit her head and then be all effed up and the cord would break due to the fall and then some 16yo would have to help me deliver my placenta?
• i am not ready for this baby.

 

so there is some good news to share, and some great news to share, and some super exciting but so effing stressful news to share and I'm not allowed to share any of it! WT HECK, HUSBAND! you're killing me, smalls!

so... without mentioning any of the above, *hmph!!*, I got to eat a slice of lemon meringue pie today from marie callendar's and that was pretty much the highlight of my day.

I am *DRUMROLL PLEASE!!* officially 200lbs. holy. jebus.

I stepped on the scale at the doctor's office this morning and she slide the second bar of weights to 150 and slid the upper bar to 30...40... 47... 49... and the scale still wasn't equal. I sighed quite loudly and she laughed as she slid the upper bar all the way back to 0 and moved the second bar of weights from 150 to 200. the scale immediately balanced. eh, whatever. This means I've gained 25lbs to date for this baby (or it may be all the pie I'm eating, I dunno).

Everything checked out fine- strong heartbeat, good blood pressure, blah blah blah. Baby is measuring to be the right size. wtf does that mean, anyway? the right size for my giant self? or the right size according to some chart that measures the average 5'4 woman? Something around 4lbs, I suppose. I asked about the crazy Braxton hicks contractions I've been having and my doctor(loveher!!!!) said not to worry unless I had more than 6 in one hour. I think I had 10 over the last 24 hours so nothing to worry about, except they are fuckpainful and I keep thinking I'm going to pop a kid/piece of poo out.

The doctor saw my wedding ring dangling from my necklace and asked if I was retaining water... I pointed to my ankles. See? do you see any sort of ankle bone? no? yeah, me neither. She told me to 1- cut back on salt/soy sauce and 2- drink more water. I wonder if she tells her non-Asian patients to cut back on soy sauce? Because really, I don't even eat soy sauce. psshh.

Her parting words were... don't eat out so often.. the reason food tastes so good at restaurants is because they use a ton of butter and salt!

um... I don't really cook. I eat out 99% of my meals. oops. guess I'm going grocery shopping more often.

I have a massage scheduled for tonight. I freaking neeeeeed it. my cankles are getting more and more canklely by the minute.

watching twilight the movie.

ughh. cheeeeeeeeese.

stop kicking my ribs. i'm trying to sleep, you little punk.

love,
mama

i know i'm pregnant, but this made me feel all good inside and i can't stop watching it over and over.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

 

things i forgot:

1. my birthday is this week and i didn't remember until the bank teller, checking my id, wished me a happy one. i was all, what? it's not my birthday soon. and she said, um, it's the day before mine and my birthday is next week. and then i was like, pshh, whatever, my birthday is in April. and she said, pshh, April is next week. and um, i was mo-dided. oops.
2. april fools is tomorrow?! I need to plan something for my coworker, fast!
3. 
   I got to work extra early this morning with two rolls of Costco saran wrap and two rolls of tin foil. :)
4. nordstrom cc payment. did i pay this or not?! damn baby brain.
   
5. stop by my brother's house to pick up my dad's W-2 and file his taxes.
   
6. what it's like to have a period. why am i still carrying around tampons in my purse?!
7. the taste of  fat tire, raw oysters, humboldt fog, moscato, and monk fish liver. le sigh.
   

things i don't want to forget:
1. three days ago, Baby K had hiccups 3 times in one day. They lasted almost 2 minutes each time.
2. thk can see Baby K moving in my belly now. my skin stretches with her movements, and my entire belly sometimes moves in waves. she's most active in the early mornings and late at night, usually waking me two to three times between midnight and 3am. I hope this isn't a sign of things to come.
3. twice this week, thk placed his hand on my belly and said, "BABY! you better KICK!" and she did, instantly. it was pretty awesome. my kid is obviously a genius.
4. thk puts toothpaste on my toothbrush every morning and every night. he also cooks us breakfast in the mornings so that I can hit snooze a few extra times every day, and dinner every night we don't go out so that when I get home from work (sometimes 2 hours after he gets home) we can eat right away. he hasn't complained about my lack of cleaning and rubs shea butter on my belly and boobs every night.
5. as of today, i'm 25+ weeks pregnant. 15 more weeks to go. i've gained 4 lbs in the past week. holy hell.
6. thk got me an awesome birthday present and gave it to me early- a bag for baby, the damier canvas neverfull gm (I'd been contemplating it for use as a baby bag) and a bag for me- the monogram canvas accessories pochette. thk is known amongst friends and family to be a cheap bastard careful with his money and it's very touching to me that he's willing to spend his hard earned money on something he feels is 110% frivolous just because they are items I adore and covet.

7. thk downloaded new ringtones for his phone and Baby K has her own-  Will Smith's Just the Two of Us. Dorky. it repeats "Daddy loves you! Daddy loves you!"
8. he also insists on playing songs on his ipod and sticking one earbud in his ear and the other earbud in my belly button. Because my belly button is slowly becoming an outtie, the earbud stays in there on its own. gross. they listen to music together and it's kind of cute.

things I want to forget:
1. the girl at church that had her baby girl three weekends ago (39 hours of labor, everything that could go wrong did, she refused c-section, had 6 epidurals, etc, ugh) showed up to service this past weekend and omg, she looked like hell. When I asked her how she was doing, her exact words were, "it's definitely not fun, and not what I thought it would be." I asked her if she needed help... I can offer her some of my time if she'd like..? and she responded with, "ok, come over. when can you come?" I felt awful for her, but more awful for myself because is that what I have to look forward to? Her husband said to thk, "man, you better sleep now. sleep every minute you can because you're never going to sleep again." he looked tired and defeated, too. :(
2. the two giant blue veins creeping across my chest. wtf! nasty.
3. ... my wedding thank you cards. they are still unfinished. i suck. if i owe you one, please know that I thank you... just not in card form. sorry.