TIWSWHTMBIGP* part 245

*things I wish someone would have told me before I got pregnant

• once your belly starts to feel heavy (probably 7-8 months for most, 5ish for me because my baby is a giant), you have to wear a panty liner every minute of every day. You know why? Because that sucker of a baby inside your body will jump up and down on your bladder and make you pee, just a little but enough to make it disgusting!!, every time you cough, stand up, or think about peeing.
• I almost peed my pants today at work. again. GAWDDAMNIT. I need to start carrying an extra set of knickers and pants everywhere i go.
• a coworker of mine told me she had hemmoroids that looked like "cluster of grapes" after giving birth to her baby.

A

cluster

of

grapes

!!!!!!

WTF!! I didn't even know what to say!

• another said she pooped on the table multiple times and her husband saw it and said, HEY! You POOPED!! and when she thinks back on her delivery, she always thinks about how he saw her poop on a table. I told thk this story so that he would know to keep his mouth shut even if he sees my entire rectum pop out onto the table during labor and instead of saying the right thing, he said, "honey, I wouldn't say poop. I'd say you did a number 2!" nice, honey.
• did you know that they give you packets of ice in your underwear after the delivery? I had no idea.
• did you know that they swipe iodine on your cooter afterwards? I had no idea.
• did you know that you have to poop before they will let you go home? I had no idea.
• did you know that I watched "I didn't know I was pregnant!" on TLC last night and scared the shit out of myself? Because I totally pictured myself giving birth at a McDonald's bathroom where my baby would fall into the toilet and hit her head and then be all effed up and the cord would break due to the fall and then some 16yo would have to help me deliver my placenta?
• i am not ready for this baby.