3 posts from May 2009

i think i got my first baby stretch mark.

:(

it is about 1/4 inch long and it is angry red/purple in color. I thought it was a vein under my skin and asked thk what he thought. He said it was a vein and not to worry. I rubbed shea butter all over it anyway.

I went to work today and asked a coworker what she thought. She has crazy stretch marks from her pregnancy 8 years ago.

"yep, that's a stretch mark alright. It'll start off all red like that and then turn kind of white after your belly deflates. It'll probably get longer before the baby comes out, too."

i wanted to cry. At least it's a baby stretch mark and not a Marie Callendar's double lemon cream pie stretch mark.

*things I wish someone would have told me before I got pregnant

• once your belly starts to feel heavy (probably 7-8 months for most, 5ish for me because my baby is a giant), you have to wear a panty liner every minute of every day. You know why? Because that sucker of a baby inside your body will jump up and down on your bladder and make you pee, just a little but enough to make it disgusting!!, every time you cough, stand up, or think about peeing.
• I almost peed my pants today at work. again. GAWDDAMNIT. I need to start carrying an extra set of knickers and pants everywhere i go.
• a coworker of mine told me she had hemmoroids that looked like "cluster of grapes" after giving birth to her baby.

A

cluster

of

grapes

!!!!!!

WTF!! I didn't even know what to say!

• another said she pooped on the table multiple times and her husband saw it and said, HEY! You POOPED!! and when she thinks back on her delivery, she always thinks about how he saw her poop on a table. I told thk this story so that he would know to keep his mouth shut even if he sees my entire rectum pop out onto the table during labor and instead of saying the right thing, he said, "honey, I wouldn't say poop. I'd say you did a number 2!" nice, honey.
• did you know that they give you packets of ice in your underwear after the delivery? I had no idea.
• did you know that they swipe iodine on your cooter afterwards? I had no idea.
• did you know that you have to poop before they will let you go home? I had no idea.
• did you know that I watched "I didn't know I was pregnant!" on TLC last night and scared the shit out of myself? Because I totally pictured myself giving birth at a McDonald's bathroom where my baby would fall into the toilet and hit her head and then be all effed up and the cord would break due to the fall and then some 16yo would have to help me deliver my placenta?
• i am not ready for this baby.

so there is some good news to share, and some great news to share, and some super exciting but so effing stressful news to share and I'm not allowed to share any of it! WT HECK, HUSBAND! you're killing me, smalls!

so... without mentioning any of the above, *hmph!!*, I got to eat a slice of lemon meringue pie today from marie callendar's and that was pretty much the highlight of my day.

I am *DRUMROLL PLEASE!!* officially 200lbs. holy. jebus.

I stepped on the scale at the doctor's office this morning and she slide the second bar of weights to 150 and slid the upper bar to 30...40... 47... 49... and the scale still wasn't equal. I sighed quite loudly and she laughed as she slid the upper bar all the way back to 0 and moved the second bar of weights from 150 to 200. the scale immediately balanced. eh, whatever. This means I've gained 25lbs to date for this baby (or it may be all the pie I'm eating, I dunno).

Everything checked out fine- strong heartbeat, good blood pressure, blah blah blah. Baby is measuring to be the right size. wtf does that mean, anyway? the right size for my giant self? or the right size according to some chart that measures the average 5'4 woman? Something around 4lbs, I suppose. I asked about the crazy Braxton hicks contractions I've been having and my doctor(loveher!!!!) said not to worry unless I had more than 6 in one hour. I think I had 10 over the last 24 hours so nothing to worry about, except they are fuckpainful and I keep thinking I'm going to pop a kid/piece of poo out.

The doctor saw my wedding ring dangling from my necklace and asked if I was retaining water... I pointed to my ankles. See? do you see any sort of ankle bone? no? yeah, me neither. She told me to 1- cut back on salt/soy sauce and 2- drink more water. I wonder if she tells her non-Asian patients to cut back on soy sauce? Because really, I don't even eat soy sauce. psshh.

Her parting words were... don't eat out so often.. the reason food tastes so good at restaurants is because they use a ton of butter and salt!

um... I don't really cook. I eat out 99% of my meals. oops. guess I'm going grocery shopping more often.

I have a massage scheduled for tonight. I freaking neeeeeed it. my cankles are getting more and more canklely by the minute.